The curator of the exhibition “How I’ve Been Feeling Lately”, Laura Brokāne, wrote:
“Art had the capacity to open up an associative language through which people gathered the courage to discuss psychologically difficult experiences, fostering understanding and empathy among the broader public. At the same time, in discussing questions related to mental health, it was essential to establish and maintain straightforward language. The tendency to aestheticise these questions frequently resulted from fear and repression, thus downplaying the seriousness of the subject. The exhibition was an attempt to maintain this delicate balance, similar to how many of us tried to keep the balance between the daily routine and internal anxiety.”
I have been carrying his final gaze with me for more than twenty years now. This gaze at once expressed relief, animation, sadness and pleading. What I remember is not a face but two tunnels, black holes that had suddenly come to life.
A moment later, we broke the toilet door open, and there he was, dead.
All in all, I blamed myself most for giving up, turning away and seeing his death as the only way out, even before it happened. Twenty years had to pass before I could bring myself to cry about it, to understand that what I really wanted to die were his diseases, about which I knew next to nothing at the time.
It is an abysmally dark autumn, and I am lying down, exhausted. I realise that K used to do this for prolonged periods of time. When he was the age I am now, he was already dead.
For half of my life, I have carried the questions of K’s death with me. I was finally able to talk to my mother, and she said out loud the things that I had been thinking about a lot. Being a doctor, K was well aware of what happens to the human body after death. To die sitting on the toilet is not a strange but rather a considerate choice. However, we don’t really know if it was truly a choice.
I met K in a dream. He made a joke, and we laughed heartily. The room was filled with warm light.
K was a close relative of mine. Nevertheless, especially as a child, I wanted us to be on friendlier terms and to get more of his attention. I found an entry in the diary I wrote as a teenager: “16/09/1999. K is so sweet today. Strange.”
Anda Lāce (b. 1982) is an artist based in Riga. She holds a master’s degree in painting from the Art Academy of Latvia and has also studied at Manchester Metropolitan University. Lāce has actively participated in group exhibitions in Latvia, Estonia, Finland, Switzerland, Germany and beyond since 2003. Since 2005, she has held many solo exhibitions. Since 2010, Lāce has been creating performances, most often in close collaboration with contemporary classical music composers. Since 2019, Anda Lāce has been the curator and artist assistant of the socially engaged Sansusī Well-being Residency Program.
Graphic design: Anna Orniņa
Technical support: Ansis Bergmanis, Adam Illingworth, Siim Asmer
The exhibition is supported by the Cultural Endowment of Estonia and Latvian Culture Capital Foundation.
