Wind blew in the wrong direction, 2024

oil on canvas

I was born in Estonia in a fully Russian-speaking family. As someone caught between two nationalities, I’ve faced many difficulties finding my place in society. Many in similar situations feel an urge to escape. I, too, felt the overwhelming desire to run, believing something was wrong with me because I did not fit into either of the cultural spaces. I took a lot of steps throughout my life to integrate into Estonian society and to overcome the desire to run. My effort has paid off. Yet, with the beginning of the war old wounds have opened and that urge has returned, along with a strong sense of shame and loneliness. The feeling made me want to leave, as though I never truly belonged there. Pack a suitcase, and disappear, leaving everything unbearable somewhere else. To run away from my origins. From myself. From pain. But here and now, I can only paint. It can be hard to communicate between different cultures and life experiences. But in the chaos of modern realities, there is a language everyone understands, no matter their identity – nature. The forest, like the sky, is something that unites us. Something very dear to me. A perfect escape place for all those wanting to run away. I am most mesmerized by the pine forests. Their presence fills the Baltic landscapes through the seasons. They are welcoming you with their thoughtful silence and marking the path with their bright colors, reaching into the sky. There’s no better listener than the pines. They hold our words without expecting anything in return, no matter in what language you are speaking.